So apparently
North Korea is threatening a nuclear war. Instead of:
Vice President Joe Biden said "God only knows" what North Korea wants from the latest showdown.
If I were president, I'd be Tweeting and posting pictures of me pretending to hit the big red button.
But not
that button. I should probably sew that back on my pants although my muffin top has enjoy some sweet freedom of late.
If I were president I would tweet and post pictures of me and
this button:
You know, not to send a message to North Korea, just to up my tweet followers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rat Island, Alaska is finally rat free after 229 years. To save you from having to click that link, I'll summarize for you. Apparently, in 1780 a Japanese ship dumped the rodents on the island. Thankfully, it only took $2.5 million dollars and a week and a half of helicopters dumping rat poison on the island, but it looks like it finally worked. So far no sign of life from the rats.
I would loved to sit in that government meeting.
Person 1: Man, we have millions of dollars we have to spend. Any suggestions?
Person 2: A bubble over Fairbanks to keep out the snow?
Person 3: Why don't we finally get rid of the rats on Rat Island? I mean, it's been like 230 years. We should probably look at taking care of that problem.
The most enjoyable part of the article for me was this little gem:
It is too soon to say that Rat Island is definitively rat-free, however. That can only be established after at least two years of monitoring, said Bruce Woods, a spokesman for the Fish and Wildlife Service in Anchorage.
"We don't know that there's not a couple of happy rats hiding away that are going to spring out and repopulate the island," he said.
Mr. Woods, I'm no rat expert but I'm guessing they aren't happy considering you just poisoned their entire family. They may be hiding away but they are mad as hell and I'd watch my back if I were you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An umpire ejected an entire crowd during a high school baseball game. While the ump blamed the crowd for unruly behavior, no one else, including the cop called for backup, witnessed any of this unruly behavior.
I've coached kid sports in the past and I've wanted to have the power to eject fans from the games. In fact, I wish I had that super power and could eject people from places all the time.
That check writer who waited to look for her checkbook until her entire grocery cart was rung up? YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!
That committee mom who is full of ideas but no follow through? YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!
That person in front of you going 23 mph in a 30 mph zone? YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!
That rude sales clerk, that large fry that went straight to your hips, your daughter's tween 'tude? YOU'RE OUTTA HERE.
P.S. Dear People of the Internet,
I have found my dream home and if you have been following me for any amount of time, you know we have been looking for
years, anxious to dump our P.O.S. on some young couple who will give it the love it deserves. I can't love it anymore. It was such a one sided love. I loved it and then it just peeled paint. I loved it through that and it shed plaster. I loved it through that and it, well, someone else needs to love it now.
But the awesome house which I would like to pack up my air mattress and sleep there tonight (and never come back to this place) is oh so slightly out of our range. Like if I had fallen off a cliff and I was holding on like this:
Just barely out of reach. Therefore, I'm looking to make a little cash.
- If you are writing the next great American novel but need some proofreading, I'm your girl.
- Looking for a great place to advertise? Have you seen my gorgeous sidebars?
- Is your newspaper looking for a lighthearted column in these hard times? I'm lighthearted. So lighthearted I get palpitations. Don't let the little umpire blurb scare you off. I keep the crazy down to a minimum usually.
- I'm a writer trapped in an engineer body. If your kid is struggling in math, I'm open for tutoring.
- Just married or getting married? Just had a baby? Let me write your thank you notes. Do you really want to write those two hundred notes yourself?
- Have you been on an amazing vacation? Celebrated a huge milestone? Need a gift for that person who has everything? I'll put together a DVD of your cherished photos set to music.
E-mail me at outnumbered221 @ gmail.com.
I think you would take the same approach if this was in your reach:
