A Little Cottage in Paradise Has Your Name on It

Recently, my small town was recognized as the number one Coastal Dream Town. They used phrases like, "Paradise found" and "cultural gem."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously, I'm thinking someone has naughty pictures of someone else and of all the places that flank water, ours came up as number one.

Or, perhaps when Burger King decorated with the fifty foot Sponge Bob Squarepants balloon, that nudged us out of the tie for last.

Or, maybe the tourist director sent the editors a box of the town's finest exports; brats, beer, crystal meth and weed grown in a subsidized apartment. Because, after indulging on those delicacies, I'm sure anyone would see this is the place to live.

I'm torn about this announcement. On the one hand, I've lost all respect for the national magazine who would actually rank my town with its abandoned strip malls and numerous houses with plywood in lieu of windows as "paradise found" as opposed to say, San Diego, Naples, FL or even Hilton Head. On the other hand, doesn't this raise my home value like, $1.2 million? Honestly, people will be flocking to our city for those "cultural gems" which I'm afraid includes the YMCA spring dance recital.

Whoops. I have to go, there is a police stand off going on and they are streaming live video. I guess, this is a cultural haven.